I detest astrology. One day, in a particularly perverse and obnoxious mood, I created this satire of all the fatuous sun sign descriptions thatI had ever read. I posted it onto alt.tasteless, then watched in amazement as it bounced all over the Internet from one newsgroup to another, often without attribution. I came to prefer no attribution once I started getting flamed-- indignant emails from people who'd write things like "You $%^&! I'm a Libra and I'm NOTHING like that!

Bear Country Journal

Hidden Los Angeles:


Shameless Self-Promotion
























ARIES - March 21 to May 20:

There is no perversion you have not tried. Your invitations to have sex often involve firearms or other lethal weapons. You like to beat up your sex partners then brag about it afterward. In a sadomasochistic relationship, you are always the one holding the whip.



TAURUS - April 20 to May 20:

You are remarkably dull in bed. You strongly favor the Missionary Position. During sex, you huff and you puff and you make it seem like hard work to all involved for the entire 45 seconds it takes you from start to finish, including foreplay. To make up for your deficiencies, you collect hard-core pornography.



GEMINI - May 11 to June 20:

People like you because you are bisexual. However, all agree that you talk too much during sex. You are known to be cheap and have earned a reputation for stiffing on services rendered. Hookers, therefore, demand payment in advance from you. Geminis are renowned for committing incest. Of all the signs, you are most likely to write, direct, produce or act in hard-core pornography.



CANCER - June 21 to July 22:

You are a patsy and a sucker and will spread your legs or butthole to anyone with a sad story. You are too weak-minded to say no to anyone asking for anything. This explains why, more often than not, you suffer from venereal disease and unplanned pregnancies. When a friendly stranger waxes nostalgic about the "fish taco" he ate while down in Tijuana, you are naive enough to believe that he really, truly means fried fish wrapped inside a tortilla. In an S&M relationship, you are always the whippee, never the whipper. Most welfare recipients are cancer people.



LEO - July 23 to Aug. 22:

You consider yourself the dominant partner in a sexual relationship, but others think you are pushy and bossy. They want nothing to do with you unless they have a bad self- esteem problem. Most Leo people are bullies and should stay away from Aries because otherwise fists and whips will fly. If male, you are most probably a wife-beater and should consider marrying a Cancer female. You love to be admired for the large size of your penis, if male. Hookers born in the sign of Leo are likely to steal your wallet. The ideal sex partner for a Leo is a full-length mirror.



VIRGO - Aug. 23 to Sept. 22:

You are frigid and anal retentive. When you are lucky enough get laid, you spoil it by critiquing your lover's performance. You are cold and unemotional. You take pride in being able to mentally reconcile your checkbook while having sex. Those born into the sign of Virgo are more likely than anyone else to wear pantihose while having sex if female, or black sox and wingtip shoes if male. Both of you -- male and female alike -- wear your underpants to bed.



LIBRA- Sept. 23 to Oct. 22:

You like to dress up in costume while having sex. You also enjoy fornicating in public places, while flying cross-country on major comercial airlines, and trying unusual and challenging positions involving farm animals. Your fondest fantasy is to have sex with a space alien. Most Libras, male and female alike, make good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. If a person, not a Libra, suffers from a venereal disease, most likely he caught it from a Libra.



SCORPIO - Oct. 23 to Nov. 21:

You will lie, cheat and steal to get laid. You are the ideal partner for a Cancer. Many of the most successful pimps are Scorpios. They get rich by cheating their girls, and videotaping then blackmailing their customers. Most Scorpio people are murdered by their lovers or by irate "Johns."



SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 22 to Dec. 21:

You are the one most likely to have a boner while giving a business presentation in front of a large group of conservatively dressed strangers. You buy "Trojans Extra Large" for your pathetic three-inch winkie. If you aim for your lover's privates, you will, most likely, miss and end up plunging your tiny little erection into her cat -- to the annoyance of the cat. Since you are the one most likely to recklessly rely on luck as a form of birth control, you are frequently stung by paternity suits. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends, which might explain many of your other problems. People laugh at you a great deal, especially while having sex with you.



CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 to Jan 19:

You are are more dull and boring than anyone can possibly endure. Develop, therefore, a good relationship with your hand. This should not be considered a tragedy, since you would rather slop around the house in your torn and stained underwear, eating taco chips and watching game shows on television than having sex anyway. If you are a male and your spouse produces a child, it's not yours.



AQUARIUS - Jan. 20 to Feb. 19:

Even when sober -- the rarest of events -- you cannot keep your hands from wandering to your best friend's crotch. If female, you are extremely promiscuous and prone to faking orgasms. It was a male Aquarius who created the line "Of COURSE I'll respect you in the morning." If you are male, your rubbers tend to break, assuming you bothered to put one on in the first place, probably backwards. If female, you tend to get embarrassingly, repeatedly pregnant because you have never troubled yourself to learn how to take precautions properly.



PISCES - Feb. 19 to March 20:

You spend many happy hours in drag. You often fantasize youself, Janet Reno, and Kenneth Starr locked in a romantic dogpile inside a White House broom closet. Your greatest fear is that the FBI will videotape you indulging in your secret perversions to play back during a Senate Hearing on Obscenity and Pornography. You are a nebbish and a braggart and often impotent. Pisces people are the ones most likely to turn up in hospital emergency rooms with dead gerbils stuffed into their dank and sunless orifices.

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